Moment of Truth

It's only Tuesday and it's been a hell of a week! I believe that  God sends you signs and if they are listened to, he pretty much runs you over like a MAC truck to get you to see what direction he wants you to go.

I have been depressed before about my weight, probably more so than others but this time, I feel beaten, or at least until 6:30 tonight, I did. That is when the MAC truck hit me. The boys and I had to run to Target to get a new shirt for Matthew (picture day tomorrow) and after buying winter jackets, gloves, hats, underwear and the blessed shirt that I came in for that I almost forgot, we were on our way home......when I see an old aquaintance I knew from Humpty Dumpty days. She looked, in a word, amazing! She had lost 77 pounds and she was simply glowing with happiness. It could be the depressed funk I was in but I swear she was giving me the, "I am sorry you are still fat." look. I tried to get out of the situation as quickly as I could because I couldn't stand being "the bigger one" in the conversation. I quickly called a friend who knows exactly what I am going thru. Fell off the wagon with me, at various times in our friendship. I started to cry hysterically. I couldn't stop, it was a waterfall of emotion. I didn't want to be me at that moment in time. I didn't want to be that weak, vulernable, that beaten down. But in that moment, that one in a lifetime moment, I knew I had to give this whole weight loss another look. I don't want to be the fat mom, the fat friend, the one sitting on the sidelines. I don't want to make another excuse. I asked my friend if she will commit with me to run at least a half marathon next October. I think she didn't want me to crash, so she agreed. We have never ran a marathon. I told her I need a tangable goal. I need something to stride for.

It was a year ago today, I walked a half marathon. I can't let the person I am forget that.

So tomorrow, I am going over my friend's house. I am going to forget the fact that I need to clean the house. I am going to forget that I don't want to get up from the couch. I need to walk. I need to start counting my point for WW. I need to put my body's need for a healthier lifestyle. If I have to take this hour by hour, I will.

I think I going to write a letter to myself. See where it takes me.

Words

Remember the old saying, "Stick and Stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me"? What a crock!
Lard ass
Fatty
FAT
Lazy
Worthless

These words I have said to myself. I think it hurts more when the bad names never leave your head. It is so much eaiser to believe the bad things about yourself, the flaws, the imperfections than it is to believe that you are worth more than what the scale says. That you are worth not going to the drive-thru.

The last couple of weeks, I have fallen off the wagon and then the wagon rolled over onto me. I don't know why I am so pumped for about 2 weeks (sometimes less/sometimes more) and then, it happens....the cravings, the "I must have XXXX or I will die!" I stop going to the WW meetings and then it was a TKO. I was down for the count.

The truth.
The truth is that if I keep eating the crap I am eating, I WILL, in fact, die. It bothers me that I feel this way. I don't want to be a prisoner to this body.

My husband told me that I need to decide if I want to be a victim or a survivor of this battle of the bulge. I don't want to be a victim anymore.

My long term goal (by this time next year) is that I want to run either a half marathon or a full marathon.

So...we shall see.

Until Next time.

WW weigh-in #3

Sorry, I am late with this...It was superbusy yesterday! Okay.....

08-23-10
239.2 pounds

08-30-10
236.4 pounds
(lost of 2.8 pounds)

Total since 08-09-10
10.2 pounds!

Another first for me!

Since this is the first house I have ever lived in (grew up in apartment my whole life), I have never had a need to mow a lawn. Don did when we first moved in and then we had a gardner. Well, with times the way they are, we decided to nix the gardner and do it ourselves. Granted, the gardner does a better job but with pratice, I will be an ace at this lawn mowing thing.

                                                            That's me....Hard at work

All smiles now it's over

Not bad for the first time!

Until next time

A small victory

Today, when I got dressed, I put a shirt that was form fitting a little and I thought, hey, not half bad. I have been trying to keep up with my crunches so as I lose weight I can tighten my stomach muscles.

Yesterday, I got my walk in and then some. Yesterday morning I wanted to walk Jacob to school and Matthew was going to ride his bike. Okay, sounds easy peasy, lemon squeezy, right? Ummmm no. When it was too far to turn back and a ways to the school, Matthew decides he doesn't want to ride his bike and I had to carry it the rest of the way to school. When we finally got to school, I went to the office and asked if we could keep the bike there, and then I would pick it up after we got home from walking. Thank all that is holy because they said it was okay. Well, the mayo on my exercise sandwich was now, Matthew didn't want to walk. His legs were tired. So, I carried a 35 pound barbell on my shoulders until about a block from the house when Matthew pipes up and says, "I not tired no more, I want to walk." I was sweating bullets, tired beyond belief but we did, we made it home. Jumped in the car like Bo and Luke Duke and got his bicycle.
The end. I was so tired that night, I don't think my head hit the pillow before I was asleep.

Until next time.

WW weigh in #2

Okay, so today, I expected a big loss. I figured I would ride the weight loss train for all it's worth. Well, the good news is that I am out of the 240's. I lost 0.8 of a pound. I have to start to retrain my brain to believe that it doesn't matter that it was a small lost. Hey, it is a lost. I am proud of me.


Total lost 7.4 pounds

Our deepest fears

On Thursday, I went to a meeting for the Sunday School teachers for my church. I signed up to teach 3rd grade. The grade that boys and girls of the Catholic faith have their first confession and first communion. I am excited to teach them our faith and I am excited to learn from the children I teach. On one of the papers we were given, there was a quote that I, unfortunately, have never heard before that night but it resonated in my a "fire", a desire to lose this weight once and for all.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others


-Nelson Mandela


I never would have had this train of thought. We all need to look into ourselves (trying to practice what I preach) as human beings who are God's masterpieces and should treat ourselves and our bodies as such.

What does this quote mean to you?