Moment of Truth

It's only Tuesday and it's been a hell of a week! I believe that  God sends you signs and if they are listened to, he pretty much runs you over like a MAC truck to get you to see what direction he wants you to go.

I have been depressed before about my weight, probably more so than others but this time, I feel beaten, or at least until 6:30 tonight, I did. That is when the MAC truck hit me. The boys and I had to run to Target to get a new shirt for Matthew (picture day tomorrow) and after buying winter jackets, gloves, hats, underwear and the blessed shirt that I came in for that I almost forgot, we were on our way home......when I see an old aquaintance I knew from Humpty Dumpty days. She looked, in a word, amazing! She had lost 77 pounds and she was simply glowing with happiness. It could be the depressed funk I was in but I swear she was giving me the, "I am sorry you are still fat." look. I tried to get out of the situation as quickly as I could because I couldn't stand being "the bigger one" in the conversation. I quickly called a friend who knows exactly what I am going thru. Fell off the wagon with me, at various times in our friendship. I started to cry hysterically. I couldn't stop, it was a waterfall of emotion. I didn't want to be me at that moment in time. I didn't want to be that weak, vulernable, that beaten down. But in that moment, that one in a lifetime moment, I knew I had to give this whole weight loss another look. I don't want to be the fat mom, the fat friend, the one sitting on the sidelines. I don't want to make another excuse. I asked my friend if she will commit with me to run at least a half marathon next October. I think she didn't want me to crash, so she agreed. We have never ran a marathon. I told her I need a tangable goal. I need something to stride for.

It was a year ago today, I walked a half marathon. I can't let the person I am forget that.

So tomorrow, I am going over my friend's house. I am going to forget the fact that I need to clean the house. I am going to forget that I don't want to get up from the couch. I need to walk. I need to start counting my point for WW. I need to put my body's need for a healthier lifestyle. If I have to take this hour by hour, I will.

I think I going to write a letter to myself. See where it takes me.

Words

Remember the old saying, "Stick and Stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me"? What a crock!
Lard ass
Fatty
FAT
Lazy
Worthless

These words I have said to myself. I think it hurts more when the bad names never leave your head. It is so much eaiser to believe the bad things about yourself, the flaws, the imperfections than it is to believe that you are worth more than what the scale says. That you are worth not going to the drive-thru.

The last couple of weeks, I have fallen off the wagon and then the wagon rolled over onto me. I don't know why I am so pumped for about 2 weeks (sometimes less/sometimes more) and then, it happens....the cravings, the "I must have XXXX or I will die!" I stop going to the WW meetings and then it was a TKO. I was down for the count.

The truth.
The truth is that if I keep eating the crap I am eating, I WILL, in fact, die. It bothers me that I feel this way. I don't want to be a prisoner to this body.

My husband told me that I need to decide if I want to be a victim or a survivor of this battle of the bulge. I don't want to be a victim anymore.

My long term goal (by this time next year) is that I want to run either a half marathon or a full marathon.

So...we shall see.

Until Next time.

WW weigh-in #3

Sorry, I am late with this...It was superbusy yesterday! Okay.....

08-23-10
239.2 pounds

08-30-10
236.4 pounds
(lost of 2.8 pounds)

Total since 08-09-10
10.2 pounds!

Another first for me!

Since this is the first house I have ever lived in (grew up in apartment my whole life), I have never had a need to mow a lawn. Don did when we first moved in and then we had a gardner. Well, with times the way they are, we decided to nix the gardner and do it ourselves. Granted, the gardner does a better job but with pratice, I will be an ace at this lawn mowing thing.

                                                            That's me....Hard at work

All smiles now it's over

Not bad for the first time!

Until next time

A small victory

Today, when I got dressed, I put a shirt that was form fitting a little and I thought, hey, not half bad. I have been trying to keep up with my crunches so as I lose weight I can tighten my stomach muscles.

Yesterday, I got my walk in and then some. Yesterday morning I wanted to walk Jacob to school and Matthew was going to ride his bike. Okay, sounds easy peasy, lemon squeezy, right? Ummmm no. When it was too far to turn back and a ways to the school, Matthew decides he doesn't want to ride his bike and I had to carry it the rest of the way to school. When we finally got to school, I went to the office and asked if we could keep the bike there, and then I would pick it up after we got home from walking. Thank all that is holy because they said it was okay. Well, the mayo on my exercise sandwich was now, Matthew didn't want to walk. His legs were tired. So, I carried a 35 pound barbell on my shoulders until about a block from the house when Matthew pipes up and says, "I not tired no more, I want to walk." I was sweating bullets, tired beyond belief but we did, we made it home. Jumped in the car like Bo and Luke Duke and got his bicycle.
The end. I was so tired that night, I don't think my head hit the pillow before I was asleep.

Until next time.

WW weigh in #2

Okay, so today, I expected a big loss. I figured I would ride the weight loss train for all it's worth. Well, the good news is that I am out of the 240's. I lost 0.8 of a pound. I have to start to retrain my brain to believe that it doesn't matter that it was a small lost. Hey, it is a lost. I am proud of me.


Total lost 7.4 pounds

Our deepest fears

On Thursday, I went to a meeting for the Sunday School teachers for my church. I signed up to teach 3rd grade. The grade that boys and girls of the Catholic faith have their first confession and first communion. I am excited to teach them our faith and I am excited to learn from the children I teach. On one of the papers we were given, there was a quote that I, unfortunately, have never heard before that night but it resonated in my a "fire", a desire to lose this weight once and for all.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others


-Nelson Mandela


I never would have had this train of thought. We all need to look into ourselves (trying to practice what I preach) as human beings who are God's masterpieces and should treat ourselves and our bodies as such.

What does this quote mean to you?

First WW weigh in! August 16, 2010 and what nots

Today at the WW meeting, I weighed in at 240.4. I have lost 6.6 pounds for the week!

I am proud of myself and makes me what to get going!

Yesterday, my girlfriends, Anne, Ann-Marie and Christie came up and visited so we could celebrate Christie's birthday that happend in July. Our busy schedule didn't allow us to meet sooner. We had an amazing time. The best part, other than them just coming was Anne, who is an amazing sew artist, taught me how to use my sewing machine. I am so excited about it. I want to use it for my crafting. Here are some of the pictures from yesterday:

We take this picture every year. Since 2004. It is a lot of fun to look back at the pictures.

This our "Senior Class group picture" Totally 90's

Uncle Don telling Charlotte stories....She's yawning!

It was a fun day!

Today was Jacob's first day of 2nd grade! He, as well as all of us, were over the moon that he is growning up but sad at the same time

Until Next Time

Oh My Goodness! It's day 6

It is 3:30 AM here and I am sort of wide awake. Sometimes, there are night where I don't get sleep and don't know why. The good thing is that it doesn't happen often. But this time, it gives me a chance to catch up on my blogs and also watch some television that has been neglected, all without hearing, "But I want to watch something!" It is the little things that will please me.

Do you ever have one of those days where you think you are looky pretty smokin'. Where you say to yourself, "You are every woman"? One to have seen a picture taken of you that day and realize you must have been crazy to think that in the first place.

Granted, I am a work in progress, even at 37 years old but Moly Cow (as Jacob says)! There is a picture of me on August 7th of this year that really describes the paragraph above this one. I will post it later as my daily before picture. I NEVER want to feel that way again. With WW, it won't This time I will succeed.


Until Later























?

Skipped a day....

I totally flaked on yesterday's post. I was very tired that I just plain forgot. Well, I am happy to report I am still going strong on WW and plan to stay that way. Today, I got a lot of exercise. Last night, I went to a friend's house and we play Just Dance for the Wii console. Holy Moly, it gave me a workout. I must get that game!

Sorry to keep this so short I am so tired and tomorrow is a big day because three of my best friends are coming up and I can't wait to spend time with them!


Shana

Crusing into Day 3

Other than my headache still being on my mind (pun intended), I am have been doing really well. I am pretty proud of the fact that I am sticking to the WW plan. I actually had leftovers from last night. With the house being clean and my errands done for the day, we are going to see Sally and her family for a little while. Tonight is the last sleepover Jacob is having for the summer with his best friend. I can't believe the summer is almost over. Jacob starts 2nd grade on Monday and it is behind my comprehension that my first born will be a 2nd grader. Matthew doesn't start his school until the day after Labor Day. That is what I remember school starting when I was young.

BTW, I tried the Anytimers from WW, the cheeseburger. I am pretty fickle about meat but they were delish! I'm just sayin'
Before I go, I want to leave you with a before picture:

This was taken by my oldest son, I am sure from looking at the angle it was taken. Not the most flattering.
But it is what it is and I am changing that. As my brother tells me, "One day at a time."

Until Next time.

Ending Day 2

Well, today was a productive day to say the least. I woke up about 4 AM and couldn't get back to sleep. My no soda headache was pretty intense. I decided to put the quiet time to use and cleaned my upstairs. I scrubbed and cleaned the bathrooms and the boys room. Not to mention the teenage looking room called our bedroom. The craft room is a different story but it's getting there. I got around to the bottom half of the house later in the day. But, I can go to bed tonight knowing the house is clean.

Today's eating went well. I tried to get as busy as possible because I didn't want to think about food. It worked.

Just a note, the Red Velvet mini snack bars from Weight Watchers are wonderful!

Until next time!

Cleaning my way into Day 2

For some reason, I woke up at 4AM this morning. So, I figured, I would start cleaning the house. I am finding that cleaning house is good exercise. With the two boys, I could have this intense excerise for another 14 years (when Matthew turned 18). I am starting to get my no soda headache. I usually get them starting about the 2nd day of not having it. I am hoping not to get a really bad headache. The good thing is that the headache only last about a day and then I am good to go. I can feel myself coming out of my "food coma" as Oprah said once.

I never told (yet) what my weight goal is. I wasn't going to share but I figure, I need to put this out there because there are so many people who are ashamed about being fat. I, being one of them but this blog is to help myself and others to get over that! It is just a number, right?

Okay, on 08/09/2010 I weighed in (at WW) :
247.0 (highest weight)

My goal weight is:

150 pounds

Okay, my first goal is 25% of the total amount I want to lose:
24.5 pounds:

225.5 pounds!

Before I go, I wanted to share today's photo. This photo was taken on 7/23/2010. We were at a park and I wanted a picture with my niece Charlotte. This photo is important to me because (number 1), my gorgeous niece is in the picture, and (number 2), this picture show how unhealthy I am and how much I want to change my lifestyle. I want to see Charlotte's children (as well as my own grandchildren).

Until next time

End of Day 1

I made it! I can honestly say that it was much easier this time than in the past. I kept myself busy cleaning. I was at a friend's house today and I brought my lunch and made sure that I had snacks/water (which really means Crystal Light) Tomorrow morning, I want to take the clothes off of our treadmill and use it. I wanted to give the treadmill a workout; or is it the other way around? Anyway, what the heck?

I am feeling a bit hungry but I kind of like that feeling before going to bed because it tells me that (number 1) I don't have to sleep on my back and (number 2) I have made it through another day where my food choices were good and I feel as though I am going to make this time.


Okay, because I have no caffiene in my petite body, I am finding myself very tired. Good Night


Until Next Time


Shana


P.S. I wanted to start including a picture of me when I was looking less than stellar and a current picture, which will be same for a while.

This picture was taken 1/2/2010.

Fatty Fatty Two By Four.....

How many of you have heard the start of this sentence and can finish by heart. If I had a dime for everytime in my childhood from the ages of 9 (before I was F.A.T.) to 16 (when I decided that starvation was the way to go), you would be reading this from a woman who retired on the beach of Hawaii in a moo moo. (by the way, there is a reason they call those dresses "moo-moo") But atlas that didn't happen.

I wanted to start this blog in hopes to help me and anyone else that wants or needs to take this weight loss journey with me.

I am 37 years old. I stay home with my boys, happily married 99% of the time. I have a lot of qualities that other people see but the first thing I see, is FAT. My 7 year old thinks it's a bad word and spells it. I don't know why he does though. I tell him that being is not something you should say, "ewww" about. Every Body is beautiful. So, why don't I believe that last sentence?

I am tired of using everything in my life as an excuse not to be healthy and lose weight.

Yesterday, I joined Weight Watchers. My best friend said that it was a good omen because of the date (08/09/10). I don't know if I believe in omens, other than bad ones. But we shall see.

Today is a new day. Today, I will take control of my eating habits and my lifestyles. I will not give in to the temptation of McDonald's. I will not drink soda. I will not give up at 10AM.

So, please take this journey with me. Through the ups (in emotion, not weight) and downs (in weight, not emotions) You can lean on me and I can lean on you.

Until next time!


Shana