Moment of Truth

It's only Tuesday and it's been a hell of a week! I believe that  God sends you signs and if they are listened to, he pretty much runs you over like a MAC truck to get you to see what direction he wants you to go.

I have been depressed before about my weight, probably more so than others but this time, I feel beaten, or at least until 6:30 tonight, I did. That is when the MAC truck hit me. The boys and I had to run to Target to get a new shirt for Matthew (picture day tomorrow) and after buying winter jackets, gloves, hats, underwear and the blessed shirt that I came in for that I almost forgot, we were on our way home......when I see an old aquaintance I knew from Humpty Dumpty days. She looked, in a word, amazing! She had lost 77 pounds and she was simply glowing with happiness. It could be the depressed funk I was in but I swear she was giving me the, "I am sorry you are still fat." look. I tried to get out of the situation as quickly as I could because I couldn't stand being "the bigger one" in the conversation. I quickly called a friend who knows exactly what I am going thru. Fell off the wagon with me, at various times in our friendship. I started to cry hysterically. I couldn't stop, it was a waterfall of emotion. I didn't want to be me at that moment in time. I didn't want to be that weak, vulernable, that beaten down. But in that moment, that one in a lifetime moment, I knew I had to give this whole weight loss another look. I don't want to be the fat mom, the fat friend, the one sitting on the sidelines. I don't want to make another excuse. I asked my friend if she will commit with me to run at least a half marathon next October. I think she didn't want me to crash, so she agreed. We have never ran a marathon. I told her I need a tangable goal. I need something to stride for.

It was a year ago today, I walked a half marathon. I can't let the person I am forget that.

So tomorrow, I am going over my friend's house. I am going to forget the fact that I need to clean the house. I am going to forget that I don't want to get up from the couch. I need to walk. I need to start counting my point for WW. I need to put my body's need for a healthier lifestyle. If I have to take this hour by hour, I will.

I think I going to write a letter to myself. See where it takes me.

Words

Remember the old saying, "Stick and Stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me"? What a crock!
Lard ass
Fatty
FAT
Lazy
Worthless

These words I have said to myself. I think it hurts more when the bad names never leave your head. It is so much eaiser to believe the bad things about yourself, the flaws, the imperfections than it is to believe that you are worth more than what the scale says. That you are worth not going to the drive-thru.

The last couple of weeks, I have fallen off the wagon and then the wagon rolled over onto me. I don't know why I am so pumped for about 2 weeks (sometimes less/sometimes more) and then, it happens....the cravings, the "I must have XXXX or I will die!" I stop going to the WW meetings and then it was a TKO. I was down for the count.

The truth.
The truth is that if I keep eating the crap I am eating, I WILL, in fact, die. It bothers me that I feel this way. I don't want to be a prisoner to this body.

My husband told me that I need to decide if I want to be a victim or a survivor of this battle of the bulge. I don't want to be a victim anymore.

My long term goal (by this time next year) is that I want to run either a half marathon or a full marathon.

So...we shall see.

Until Next time.